Are smart bathrooms next in the invasive Smart Home Tech Craze?

by | Jan 15, 2020 | Smart Home | 0 comments

Futuristic bathroom interior.

From showers to toilets, smart bathrooms look more like the next frontier when it comes to smart home technology. Now we can be spied on even when we are just doing our own business.

Podcast version

Smart home technology has been a hot topic for the past few years. Technologists and researchers have been concerned that the intentions of these devices have gone too far from making life more convenient to providing an endless source of marketing data with pressure to evil hands. After all, there is a reason you can get so many smart speakers like the Google Mini or Amazon Echo for free, or incredibly cheap. You is the product and is becoming just another spreadsheet cell for an overcrowded market or computer science flake who probably has not seen his children since graduating in first grade.

But now is our beloved Twitter treasure The Internet of shit is becoming literally since Kohler unveiled their latest product lines at CES 2020: smart bathrooms are the next frontier.

Holy warty toad tits on toast. Shit like this is why we already need a basic income so we can stop justifying some of the existence of some of these jobs that just knock things like this out in the name of capitalism and contribute to ever-growing e-waste. Toothbrushes need speakers like Jeff Bezos need more money. It’s just one of the most unnecessary things in the history of unnecessary things.

Which okay fine, lots of unnecessary things have at least some sort of aesthetic or fun value? But it’s 2020, we thought there would be flying cars and robot butlers, but no, this is what we got. Smart bathrooms that will now spy on us while you shower or shit solely to sell us shit-related items, and you can not even brush your teeth without any kind of home invasion tactics.

Robot hands over a bath towel.
“I see that you have run out of body wash. I will order enough to clean a small village. Now remember to floss, otherwise I will tap you next time. ”

Make shower heads Really Need to be smarter?

Hand control the temperature of the water coming out of the hand shower.

Shower head design has undoubtedly advanced in good ways in the last two decades. Old school shower heads were harder to move and adjust the water pressure if you could do it at all. Since you do not have to mess with the plumbing to change the shower head, adjustable models that can change direction became fashionable. It was soon not enough to change direction, and more people wanted the option of hanging the shower head up and using it as they traditionally had, with the option of removing the head with a flexible cord and rinsing off the hard-to-reach places. Then came more bells and whistles so you can get everything from a targeted massage stream to ultra gentle cascades to try to replicate a spa experience at home.

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Today, you can even buy models with LED lights in, so you can make your bathroom a rave atmosphere.

Modern bathroom interior.
Why you want to do that, I have no idea. I half expect Lazerhawk to start playing while some 80s cyberpunk villain lurks around the corner, because that’s definitely the mood I need when I rewind that movie after gymnastics.

All these advances were fine and good and definitely welcome. Although it’s a pleasure to have a beautiful massage shower if it’s a spa day or if you are staying in a hotel that gets more than three stars on Orbitz, not everyone can afford a vacation so sometimes you just have to settle for what you can buy and fix.

But … smart showers? Isn’t the shower the only place most people have that is the absolute last resort to avoid anything technologically related? I look forward to my long, hot showers with super strong water pressure where I do not have to stare at a screen! It’s the only place I get respite from these people! And what will it do, remind me to buy more shampoo and make sure shampoo companies keep an eye on how often I renew my hair color? Will it fool me to come to a salon to get those roots turned around? Fuck off, shower head! You do not own me! Pay for your own damn salon visits!

Well, it turns out that Kohler’s new collection of smart shower heads uses a questionable voice recognition technology but is not as heavy to spy on as OK Google, Alexa and other voice systems that just harvest you for marketing data like Leatherface does with lig. Named “digital showering”, you can now control via the console buttons or voice assistant how much steam there is, stir music, and every spray, splash and holy shit is ridiculous.

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Not that innovation is necessarily a bad thing to have in the shower. Kohlers Pitch line of shower heads helps the temperature stay stable, which can definitely be a pain in the ass if you live in an older home, as I do. Pre-war construction spotted the idea of ​​things like convenience and accessibility, and water temperature and pressure comfort were not really taken into account. Something more advanced than a basic de-lice, you were a Rockefeller.

One good thing about this digital shower experience is that it monitors your water consumption so you can be aware of how long you and other household members are taking if the water bill seems a little high. Still, maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I do not want to talk to my damn shower head anyway.

The shitter is now spying on you

Modern futuristic ceramic toilet.
Wait, is this a Star Wars toilet or one of those things?

So the Japanese were eons ahead of us in terms of toilet technology. The infamous Toto washlet shocks and delights Americans who travel to Japan and find themselves besieged by the large number of controls that come with this type of toilet: the seat heater, “noise princess” button if you want music to play that helps with camouflage typical bathroom sounds, and bidet function among other things.

But when it comes to upgrading restrooms in America, we go big or go home god fearing. Kohler debuted Numi smart toilet at last year’s CES and released v2.0 this year. but if you have about $ 7,000 to burn, Alexa can now learn all about your shit habits!

Put the Japanese washlet model on steroids, this puppy is equipped with both a seat heater and a foot warmer. Because you know, some people take shitposting literally and need to get circulation back in their feet if they’ve been on it for too long. The tight square design has a lid that automatically tilts up and down when you enter the room, so I guess there are no more arguments for anyone leaving the seat up. And if you do not feel like switching the light switch on or do not use any night light, the toilet base lights up, which is actually pretty cool.

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3D neon square
Is it a rave all night or having to get up to pee in the middle of the night? You decide!

This scary black box has wireless streaming capability and different users can customize presets and I’m sorry I can not end this sentence without crying because I’m trying to imagine what my life would have been like if I were done with that computer science instead. I would be in a fluorescent hell that ruined my hump for a company I do not own by using my talents to design something like this when most Americans can not even afford an emergency of $ 400. And this toilet costs over $ 7,000 after sales tax. It was 2.5 semesters of public urban college education when I went into my mid-00s.

Instead, I got an accounting degree at the aforementioned public university and went on a few career detours that took me here, entertained and informed you about this smart toilet. Well, this is the 2020 we got, folks. We have soldiers going out into space and a real, literal internet of shit.

Do you think I’m kidding about an actual Shit Internet? We’re already there, homemade. We are already there.

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